Twin Flame Diaries 2: An Assignment From Jeff and Shaleia

My Mostly Unfiltered Thoughts Sourced From My Voice Note Post Exercise:

This week I stared at myself in the mirror for an hour. This is an incredible experience. Thank you to Jeff and Shaleia for guiding us to complete this exercise. I would like to do this once a month or more.

One of the first things I felt looking in the mirror was “Wow I look like I got hit by a truck.”

To my credit, it was 100 degrees outside and after a day of school and recess duty!

But more than a look, there was a spiritual upset occurring. I realized I was feeling like my cup was empty and I was looking drained.

I noticed her eyes - the girl’s eyes in the mirror - looked a little sad. I had enjoyed my day. But there was a deeper sadness. I realized I was holding on to old, false versions of myself. And like….. Mourning them….clinging to them. An that act resulted in me holding on to sadness. AND drained my energy. Jeff and Shaleia have said before (not sure the precise quote) that ascension is just continually destroying egoic identities that aren’t aligned with love. Until all that is left is God. In that moment, I really felt that. And yet even as these false identities have dissipated in the face of love….I am still recognizable as Susie. That perfect, unique, divine essence of me remained unchanged. The love that is me at 5, 15, 20, and 25 is still just…me. The only thing that has fallen away is ego - separation.

And right after I felt the impulse to stick my tongue out….and admire my newly almost perfectly straight teeth! And upon sticking my tongue out I felt a silent wheezing laughter come up. It was sort of a laugh at the absurdity of it all.

Laughing at how absurd it felt that this little girl who grew up in the middle of nowhere desert found the spiritual community and journey of a lifetime and got all she wanted….is receiving all she wanted….and yet in the most unexpected way. Incredible that I found my way here. I found myself laughing at how wrong I was about all of it. One of the big things I’ve had to let go of in my journey is my need to be right. To defend what I think is the truth! And the funniest thing was this girl tried SO HARD to get herself out of her little tiny town ……and yet God sat her ass right back down here to do her deep healing work. And objectively, that is so funny and yet spiritually sound.

You know that saying where you “fuck around and find out” It occurred to me that “fucked around” and found out about love and God. Pretty cool.

I saw the young girl who dreamt of prince charming, epic love, and being a hero! A hero who saved the world and made it a better place! And somehow God has given me all of that. And looking in the mirror, I could feel God’s infinite wisdom, so far beyond the little dreams I had. A hero is someone who is willing to humbly heal themselves to change the world.

So after I was done wheezing over how silly I was with my control, expectations, and false identities. ( I was very silly. ) I could feel the feeling of perfection, peace, and humility come up. I could feel innocence. I could feel forgiveness. I could feel joy! I could feel God just loving me perfectly where I am. I could feel my journey was just like divinely tailored for me. Who could think to bring me along this path but God!? And I felt I could love myself perfectly for it.

As I continued staring I KNEW I had to deal with these other feelings coming up. I felt like I looked….old. Somehow, I could see 90 year old me in the mirror and frankly I wasn’t liking her. It felt bad to NOT like her. Like…what! It’s not aligned to be unloving towards yourself. Aging is an illusion, however I still deserve perfect unconditional love no matter what I am working through. I noticed this feeling of dislike and even repulsion came up because I felt I needed to be pleasing the world. I wanted the world to notice me! And Love me!

But I asked myself….am I going to be stuck on being pleasing to the world ….or being pleasing to God? I made a choice to be pleasing to God. To be loving to myself. I remembered beauty is about being with God and in that moment it was like I could see the lightness shift and return to my face. And I looked beautiful.

I began to feel appreciate for all the beautiful parts of me, my eyes, hair, brows, cheeks, mouth, and the smile I’ve worked so hard to love and achieve. Happiness, I felt happiness.

I began to feel so deeply that my best friend was staring back at me. I thought “damn, that’s my best friend! And oh my god I just love her unconditionally.” So I just enjoyed this joyful, blooming, loving feeling of friends spreading through my chest. It feels good to have your friend, your best friend, have your back and love you.

I ended the exercise just spending time with my best friend, in my feelings of love and self acceptance. I stuck at my tongue some more, practiced my new smile, and played with my hair.